damn alexander graham bell

Phones suck. They're intrusive. They make it hard to decipher tones and moods. Things are easily misunderstood making for unnecessary tension. The awkward phone silence is the worst of all awkward silences. You can't "be right back." People think it's rude if you don't answer the phone. People think it's rude if you don't want to talk for long and they do. People think it's rude when you call at certain times of the day. The percentage of people who actually call you back when they say they will is inexplicably low (like less than 10%). Most phones now aren't even phones, they're little video game systems or cameras or music players with telephony as an extra feature, not the other way around. Everywhere you go you hear someone's phone ringing with the latest obnoxious rap song, and although it sounds terrible, it resembles the song enough that they feel the need to let it ring 14 or 15 times before answering. Cell phone companies make things even worse. You have to sign a multi-year contract just so you only have to pay 100 dollars for a 20 dollar phone instead of 400 dollars. Switching plans is a hassle:

Customer: "Yes, hello, I'd like to switch to one of your even more complicated plans with a more abstract calling area that includes only a small area where I live but covers me in case I happen to be visiting northeast Montana."

Service Rep.: "No problem sir, the transition process should only take 19 or 20 hours of you standing there wondering what I could possibly be typing into my computer that takes so long."

Adding features such as text messaging or caller ID or voice mail is a hassle as well, and they're deceptively expensive. And no matter how many frivolous features your phone has, you're always going to see someone with that one extra feature (such as self-detonation, invisibility, low altitude flight, etc.) that puts your phone to shame, so you no longer whip out your phone in front of everyone and repeatedly open and close it hoping someone might notice its new multi-colored, glow in the dark, insect repellent, military grade titanium case with a miniature George Foreman Grill: Cellular Phone Edition® built into the back. Of course all that your friends have to do to outdo your new 14 pound phone is head down to the mall and stop by one the 14,567 phone case kiosks and find the one offering the lowest financing rates. Wait, i'll be back, i've got a call...

-alex