place of business

To outsiders the men's bathroom may just be a place of "business", there is an incredibly complex dynamic to it that is worthy of blogification. Here are my unwritten rules of the men's room.

-Conversations are off limits. I don't want to be in that place any longer than I have to be. Talk to me outside, never inside. Ever. Never.
-Never assume the position at a urinal directly next to an occupied urinal.
-Only use the little boys lowered urinal if your willing to sacrifice your dignity to a whole bunch of guys who won't say anything, but will still laugh to themselves.
-You don't need to be so close to urinal that you appear to be humping it. We aren't trying to catch a peek. We already know you're small.
-Don't stand 6 feet away from the urinal either. Distance urination isn't an Olympic sport. It never will be.
-Don't use the mirror. The risk of seeing something in the background you don't want to see is far too great. You look fine.
-If the guy who exits the bathroom right before you doesn't wash his hands, you can avoid touching the contaminated door handle by sneaking out as someone else enters or exits. If there is a garbage recepticle within reasonable distance of the door, grab a paper towel, use it as a makeshift glove to swing the door open safely, then toss it in the trash and escape before you become trapped again.
-Don't turn the loose hand dryer up towards your face and let it blow on you. You're not in 4th grade.
-If you're going to go through the trouble of wetting your hands so it appears you washed them, just take 4 extra seconds and use soap. Other guys notice the dunk-and-dash. You will be red flagged.
-Don't worry if you put your hands under an infrared faucet and it doesn't activate. It happens to all guys. We won't frown upon you. In fact, thank you for sacrificing yourself so no other poor man has to experience similar embarassment.
-Eyes should be horizontal at ALL TIMES. You don't want to see any wayward equipment, and it makes last minute recovery zip-ups easier to execute for everyone.
-Don't enjoy any part of your visit to the bathroom. When guys walk out of the bathroom laughing or smiling, it makes us all suspicious.

-alex